My eyes are sore from crying a lot last night. I got in from work and went upstairs (so the kids wouldn’t see) and cried. Later, after some wine, I cried more on my husband. Today I feel as if I’m trudging through.
I’m tired. I know, I know I’m not even 35. But seriously I’m exhausted.
When I said this a few hours ago to someone, I was asked “oh did you go out last night?”. My reply was: “No. Just life tired”.
How sad is this? but also, how normal now? So many of the grown ups I know can probably say they feel life tired rather too much of the time. Is this just how it is when you are a adult or are we getting something very wrong?
I think maybe its a symptom of falling out of love with being a grown up.
I can remember moments of feeling good about life; little images or films in my mind that have me enjoying the reality of having a home, or parenting kids, or driving a car, even doing the shopping. That lovely feeling I embraced of ‘I’m all grown up and in charge and I like it’. I felt like I was part of the films or stories I once devoured; playing a role.
Now? I’m over it. The never ending demand for attention from the children (we are past the nappy/sleep deprived stage, thank god), the constant time one needs to put into your relationship to keep it steady coupled with the least amount of fun adult time you get together, the day-in day-out working (even in a job I chose). Food shopping? I bloody hate it (smart Alec’s will point out I could get it delivered in this wonderful modern age. We shop from Aldi because despite both working we need to keep every cost to a minimum to survive. Possibly another reason I’m done with being a grown up).
I look ahead to my parents and hope I’ll see some positives but I’m not sure it gets all that easier. They definitely get some holidays abroad which would be nice but otherwise I see them coping with their relationship, worrying about money, dealing with the wants and needs of their 3 grown up children who demand attention. Joy.
During this time of struggle I am attempting to focus on creating fun. I’ve just planned a birthday night out with my girlfriends where I shall attempt to pretend for the evening that I live in an episode of sex and city. I know, I don’t really want this, I’m very glad I have a life partner and children BUT….. a taste of the care free abandonment and glamour that the show painted when I was starting out being an adult, that doesn’t seem so bad right now.
(I’m fully aware of the glum tone to this. Apologies to anyone hoping for more. Its a moment and nothing more. I’m simply being honest.)