I haven’t written an entry for 3 years!
I cant remember if I decided to stop or if life simply got in the way. When I said its been 3 years, my husband pointed out that we were then, in the midst of sleep deprivation hell with a 3rd (and final) child. That might have affected my ability to form a coherent sentence.
I write today because this morning a film aired on the BBC.’In the Family:Inheriting Mental Illness?’ is a short film looking at the genetics behind mental illness. My twin and I were part of it.
When getting involved in the film I re-visited this blog; I had thought about some questions the journalist asked and had wanted to give him an insight into me and my experiences. Once I started reading, I was shocked at how things have changed.
Whilst I can remember thinking a lot (possibly obsessively) about my mum, her bipolar, and how it affected me, I can’t quite believe how much I had to say on the matter. Or how important it was to me. Now, well, it’s just how it is and I feel like that’s OK.
Maybe I’m simply a mother who’s had 3 young children, who’s gone back to work full time and so has had little time to think about anything more than the chaos of achieving each day.
I’m not sure what’s changed. Mum obviously still lives with Bipolar. I think that after 10 years of drug regimes failing she is finally seeing improvements in the levels of her moods. Whilst it’s far from what she deserves, her highs and lows are lessening and her mood meets more in the middle. She still cycles between highs & lows every few weeks but as her mood is more stable some semblance of continuity can happen. This has allowed us,as a family, to relax a little? Perhaps we got so exhausted by looking for triggers and then realising that nothing we did made any difference, we stopped preventing and started living?
Either way I live my life, I accept and doff my hat to the bipolar in my family but it no longer consumes me on a daily basis. Its quite refreshing to have this blog as proof of that.
Equally I feel ready to start writing again. This time perhaps with a wider view; about mental illness, about families, about keeping children emotionally happy.
(Or maybe my chaotic life has led me here; blogging for sanity?)